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Thursday, July 25, 2013

College student

A college student tells his parents:
- We did a test in class, on the theme: "The job of my
father. "It inspired me and I told myself that my text would
surely the best and the teacher would read aloud to
the whole class.
- So says the mother, how you told your father, one of the
greatest surgeons in the world, has already completed more than twenty
heart transplants?
- Uh ... not. To impress friends, I told it
driving a car fire.


Ambulance

An ambulance went to the hospital. A doctor told the
driver:
- What happens? What's going on? they were
announced one injured and you bring four! Then the
driver said proudly:
- Well, the others are from me! I just hitt hem!

Voicemail help psychiatric

Hello! You have reached the voicemail help

psychiatric.

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 without stopping.

- If you are emotionally dependent, ask someone

press 2 for you.

- If you have a multiple personality disorder,

press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

- If you are paranoid, stay online, our agents trace

your call.

- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a voice

will tell you which number to press.

- If you are depressed, the number you pressed is

unimportant, nobody answer.

- If you are a compulsive repetition, hang up and

recompose.

- If you are a passive-aggressive, put us on hold.

- If you are antisocial, pull the phone from the wall.

- If you have problems with attention, do not mind

instructions.


Doctor is me

A man has just been hit by a car.
The driver comes out and says:
- You're in luck sir! We are just ahead
the doctor's office.
- Yes! Unless the doctor is me!

Alarm

A man goes to the dentist. He moved on
chair and opens his mouth:
- But all your teeth are gold! Exclaimed the dentist.
- Yes, indeed, I have come to ask you to put an alarm.

Come to daddy!

This is a guy who goes to see his doctor for pain
the balls. After examination, the doctor is amazed:
- It's amazing! You have one testicle and the other wood
metal.
- Yes I know! And this is serious?
- Well, yes, you can not have children.
- Bullshit! He turns to the waiting room and yells "
Pinocchio, Robocop, come to daddy!

longest nerve

What is the longest nerve in the human body?
The optic nerve, because when you pull a bit of ass, it has the
tears in my eyes!

I'm great

This is an old man of 80 years who goes to see her doctor
for an annual check-up. It asks how will
things.
"I'm great!" replied the old man. "I go out with a
Little Hen 18 and I put pregnant! What
you think about it, doctor? "
"Let me tell you a true story. I have a
friend who is a keen hunter, he never missed a
season. One day when he went hunting and he was in a hurry,
he made a mistake and instead of taking his gun, he took his umbrella.
While he was in the forest, he saw a grizzly bear
bearing down on him. He grabbed his umbrella, the shouldered and pushed the
handle. Do you know what happened then? "
"No," replied the old man stunned.
"Well grizzly fell dead at his feet!"
"That's impossible!" rose up the old man. "Someone had to take
in its place ... "
"This is exactly where I was going ..."

Crazy people

A doctor in psychiatry wanted to test his patients
(all crazy) when he drew a door on the wall and a
asked to enter. All mad attacked the door
open except for one who stayed away from them laugh.
The doctor asked him why he laughed. The fool says, these
People are crazy!
Doctor: Why?
The madman because the keys are with me.

Memory loss

A guy shows up at the doctor:
- Doctor, I came to see you because I have memory loss.
What can I do?
- Pay me in advance.

Good and bad news

At the hospital, in the ICU. a patient
gradually regaining his senses:
- Where am I?
- You're in the hospital in intensive care.
- What happened to me?
- There was a scramble in the subway and you spent under
a train.
- So what? ? !
- And then I have good news and bad news. which
hear first you want?
- The bad.
- The bad news is that your legs were
so filthy that you had to amputate both.
- Oh no! This is not true! Shit! My legs ... And what is
the good news?
- There's a guy in a room next door which was a very good
offer for your shoes.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Mental diarrhea

A woman visits a doctor:
- Doctor I have mental diarrhea.
- That is to say?
- Whenever I have an idea, this is crap!

Bad news

The doctor says to his patient:
- I have bad and very bad news for you
announce.
- Start with the bad.
- I received the results of your tests. The analysis clearly indicates
that you do not have more than two days to live.
- 2 DAYS!! OH MY GOD THIS IS HORRIBLE, it is
incredible! And you say you have a new
worst to tell me?
- Yes, it's been since yesterday I'm trying to reach you for you
announce ...

Monday, July 15, 2013

ready

When a man says he is ready to
go, that means it is ready to go.
When a woman says she is ready to
go, that means it WILL ready
once it has found its second
earring, she has finished
refine its makeup, it will
chooses from among its twenty
pairs of shoes ...

The cannibal chief

The cannibal chief raises lid
the pot from time to time, and
a huge fork, he throws the guy who
is being cooked!
- But finally! said another cannibal!
Leave him at least peace!
We already cares in broth, so if
more on the torture ...
- What? But you do not see it in
currently eat all the rice!

cannibals

A scientist studying a village
cannibals. Wanting to engage
conversation with a little girl holding
a child in his arms, he asks:
- He's cute, he's your little brother?
- No, it's my lunch!

Saturday, July 13, 2013

woman and a hurricane

What is the common point between
woman and a hurricane?
When it comes, it's hot and humid,
when it goes, it is with your car and
your house.

Wednesday, July 10, 2013

letter

A crazy writing a letter. The director himself
request:
Who do you write?
  To me.
And what do you put?
I do not know, I Headmaster
have not received it yet!
 

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